Today was all planned out. It was the first day of the annual General Conference of the Church which consists of three meetings. The morning, afternoon, and Priesthood sessions. I got up on time. (In fact I even got up two hours before my alarm was to sound. Perhaps I’m getting used to waking up earlier again? I shudder at the thought.) I got ready and left for the Stake Center where the live satellite broadcast sessions would be shown. Just as I’m pulling into the parking lot my mobile rings. I don’t recognize the number but I answered anyways. An unfamiliar voice on the line asked if this was “Joey”. Now I’m thinking “Who is this lady and how does she know my name…my family/nick name at that?” I answered in the affirmative and she told me she was trying to reach my grandmother. My grandmother was at a craft show at her church, which I explained to this unknown woman. She then told me she was my grandmother’s best friend’s daughter and that my grandmother’s best friend’s husband had passed away. I told her that I was on my way to my grandmothers church and I would let her know. With that I turned around in the parking lot of my church and headed off to bear the sad news to my grandmother. When I arrived at my grandmother’s church she was working happily in the kitchen with other women from her church (most who know me by name). I walked up to my grandmother, hugged her, and told her the bad news. For about a minute we continued to hug while she cried on my shoulder, or actually just below my shoulder as my grandmother is quite short. After we separate she gathers her things and says she’s going over there. I didn’t want her to be alone so I went with her. When we arrived at “Ellen’s” (grandmother’s best friend) house there were about 5 other people there. When Ellen saw my grandmother enter the room she looked up teary eyed and asked “Why did he do this to me?” I didn’t understand why she would ask a question like that. She went on to explain what happened this morning.
“Roger” had been suffering from medical ailments from A-Z for about 9 months and his condition was deteriorating almost daily. His biggest problem is he was diagnosed with Rapid Heart Failure. There is no real treatment for this condition save a heart transplant. At Rogers age, and the other medical issues he had, he would never be a candidate. Basically the heart deteriorates, pumps less blood, which means less oxygen circulates through the body. Eventually the heart would stop all together. The second medical problem was that he degeneration in the bones in the back of his neck making it impossible to hold his head up, and very painful altogether. Add to that diabetes, which where mostly under control, and cancer in remission, and a few other things. Roger was bad off and constantly getting worse. I had not seen him for a long time. I visited him in the hospital with my grandparents but never saw him as his condition worsened the last few months. Before that I had helped him on his computer a few times. Roger was a good man. Retired high ranking employee in the civil service, had all his ducks in a row, and he cared deeply for Ellen. His illnesses changed all that and he became someone different. He was on a lot of medication including vicodin, which he started taking last week as his pain worsened.
At 10am this morning Ellen helped Roger into the bathroom and decided she would walk their dog while he was in there. When she returned from the walk she called for him. There was no answer for down the hallway. She walked into the room and found him lying on the bed, dead. In shock she left the room and yelled for a neighbor who was working outside next door. When they went back to the room they noticed something very disturbing. Though Ellen didn’t really notice it from the initial shock, Roger’s shirt was soaked in blood and clenched in his hand was the small gun he kept under the ma tress for protection. Roger had committed suicide.
Ellen, his family, and friends were shocked. How could this wonderful non-aggressive man take this violent step and end his own life? All concluded that Roger just wasn’t himself anymore. He was depressed and the pain and the medication made him someone different. Roger couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take Ellen having to care for him. He couldn’t take the pain. He couldn’t take just waiting for death. He couldn’t take it anymore.
I know there are people out there who think that suicide is a one way ticket to Hell. But does this thinking describe and loving and all understanding Heavenly Father and a totally empathetic Savior? I would argue that it does not. Suicide is a very serious transgression. Man has no right to end any life whether it be the life of someone else or his own. All people live on this earth to experience and progress. No man has the right to cut life short. However, just as our justice system recognizes different degrees of homicide, manslaughter, murder, etc. I believe God judges the hearts and intents of those who take the life of others. I also believe that God will judge those who commit suicide on their hearts and intents. The Lord will look at that person’s circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act. Can one really be held accountable if a chemical imbalance causes them to take their own life. Can a man in so much pain and agony, who is only waiting for death, be held fully accountable because pulling a trigger would end his suffering and his wait? I would hope not.
We do not know much about the consequences of suicide. We know that the Lord is merciful and will judge accordingly. Suicide is a sin. There is perhaps some sort punishment in the spirit world. However after that punishment as ran it’s course, those not fully accountable for their act, might be able to proceed. These people have a place in the kingdom of our Father, and it is not one of darkness or despair, but one where they can receive comfort and experience serenity. To those left behind, who dont understand why the life of their loved one ended tragically, I remind you of the wonderful words of the Savior, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27.)
I did end up going to the Priesthood session this evening. Every session but the Priesthood session is available on the Internet to view, so I’m glad I was able to watch it. Afterward I went for a drove toward and along the ocean front, though you can’t see it from Atlantic/Pacific Ave because of all the houses and hotels, it was still a nice drive. I passed the beach bowling ally and decided to go bowling to relieve some stress. Bowled a 96, 122, 116, and 138. Not great, but not bad considering I haven’t bowled in a while and was using a ball 4 pounds heavier than I normally use. Drove home using the interstate with my stereo cranked up, windows down, and Toby Keith jamming from my speakers. It was a nice ending to the day for me.
is still dealing with the news that Don, who had “close” ties with a majority of the ministry, is a convicted pedophile. Though we have not learned any more news concerning Don since his latest arrest, things are improving at Swordwalk and I am quite pleased with the progress that has been made in the last few days. Reactions have gone from shock and disbelief, to anger, to (for some) forgiveness, and for many to concern for those who may have been more hurt than we have been. We live in a sad day with sick people and things will only continue to grow worse. Digiduck, the administrator of Swordwalk, has taken the lead in putting the past behind us and looking to the future. He and the Swordwalk team, composed of other senior members, moderators etc., have been discussing the future of the ministry and the changes that will be made. I expect great things.
