Elohim Rejects Plan of Salvation
Lawsuits Filed and Negotiations Ongoing
SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Officials of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) confirmed today that the Church has been involved in ongoing negotiations with Elohim, known to most as God, on the legality of the Church’s claim to be the “only true and everlasting” church on the face of the earth. Few details were released by officials; however, Elohim’s pleasure in regard to the LDS Church has been in question since the organization was founded in 1830.
What is known can be surmised from court documents filed by the LDS Church and Elohim himself. In these documents, we find shocking details about Elohim’s rejection of the “Restored” Gospel, otherwise known as the “Plan of Salvation”, taught by the Church. The Church claims that Elohim is in violation of what they term as a “prophetic contract”, further claiming that all revelations, in print with the accompanying logo of the Church, were received directly from Kolob, Elohim’s official residence, and are completely valid. In Elohim’s countersuit, he claims that all such revelations are invalidated as they have become outdated. He argues that the teachings of the Church are at least ten thousand years behind current policy on Kolob, but admits their outdated theology was likely caused by the overloading of his servers with the ever increasing number of prayers coming from his worlds without end. This, according to papers filed, may have caused a delay in sending revelations to earth. He further claims that Joseph Smith, the founder of the LDS Church, omitted to record the “Eternal Progression Clause”, and later misinterpreted the meaning of the clause, sent with every transmission of revelation. This clause warns those receiving revelation, and those they lead, that all revelations are subject to change due to eternal progression. In essence, this clause allows Elohim to upgrade his policies based on new information acquired and the research of best practices.
Legal expects closely affiliated with the LDS Church admit to the precarious position of the Church. “We expect Elohim to be able to provide the court with original copies of revelations sent to earth, including dates and the Eternal Progression Clause.”, one group of experts said. “If Elohim can do this, he will prove the Church is not in sync with his current policies and the Church will have to act quickly.”
Some question what course of action the LDS Church can take in order to continue functioning. With so much riding on the Church’s claim to be “true”, the damage that could be caused by not reaching an agreement with Elohim could be severe. There are rumors that the Church has reached out to ancient gods without modern organizations to assume Godship of the Church if negotiations should fail with Elohim. One source claims to have been present in a meeting between the Church and the Greek God Apollo, where he was offered a five billion dollar signing bonus and a large estate in Missouri.
Unconfirmed at this time are claims that the Church’s some fifty thousand missionaries have adapted their lessons to exclude any phrases which may identify Elohim as being responsible for what they teach. It’s rumored that doing so is a stipulation in the continuance of negotiations between the two parties.
With the future of the LDS Church hanging perilously upon negotiations with Elohim, members around the world are waiting for any word regarding the ongoing proceedings. One faithful sister told reporters, “I know without a doubt that the Church is true. I read The Book of Mormon, prayed, and have received a witness. I know if Elohim reads it now, and prays with a sincere heart, he will know that The Church is true too!”
Satire inspired by a letter written by LDS Apostle Bruce R. McConkie where he argues against the question, “Will [God] one day learn something that will destroy the plan of salvation…? Will he discover a better plan of salvation than the one he has already given to men in worlds without number?” I simply asked, “What if he did?”
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