In the Rough - The Blog of Joel McDonald Jr.

You may have already read an AP article about a Florida man excommunicated for being gay writing his friends and family in California asking them to stand up and walk out of church services this past Sunday as leaders throughout the state read a statement from central church leadership in Salt Lake City asking Latter-day Saints throughout California to rally in support of a state marriage amendment in reaction to homosexuals being allowed to marry.

Today I joined a Facebook group called “Sign for Something” which is taking a stand against ecclesiastical encroachment in government, especially where gay marriage is concerned. There is also a website under construction at http://signforsomething.org/.

I believe strongly that no person should should be affected by the beliefs of any church unless that person submits themselves to the authority of that church by becoming a member.

And for members of a church that don’t agree with the actions of their church, they should respond by leaving. There is a growing movement of disaffected Latter-day Saints to do just this. A current thread at PostMormon.org is organizing such a movement, and believes they will see over one thousand current members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints submit their resignations in response to the church’s meddling in the politics of California. This group should also have a website up to facilitate this action soon.

One of the better experiences of my service as missionary was the opportunity to serve in the Church Employment Resource Center in Colorado Springs. While there, I worked with the director to get my resume together for my entering the real world again (I had only a few weeks left before going home.)

As I was putting my resume together, both the director and I decided that placing “missionary” on my resume probably wasn’t the best route to go, but since I had prior experience before the mission I should find a way to fill the gap of time. We came up with “Teacher and Service Worker”. Lame, but it served it’s purpose.

The other day, I was in a meeting with the director of athletics for Virginia Wesleyan College discussing a partnership between athletic teams and the students at my elementary school, and she asked me what I did before what I’m doing now. I answered that I was a missionary out in Colorado and Kansas. I got the same kind of look I usually get when I say that, but I knew it was futile to try to explain the whole situation.

So, as I was reworking my resume last night, I knew I needed a change. I realized that what I did as a missionary was little more than marketing for the church, very similar to what I did for a local contractor prior to serving as a missionary. So, my resume officially says, “Field Marketing Representative: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

…now when I’m asked what I did prior to what I’m doing now, I can say I was into marketing for a multi-national non-profit…or something like that.

Anyone run into the resume/employment record dilemma? How did you handle it?  Thoughts otherwise?

I debated about whether or not I wanted to once again acknowledge the anniversary of my baptism into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with a blog entry. One argument that I not write is that keeping silent about it this year would be a sign of healing, a show that I have advanced further away from the mental and emotional connections I have with Mormonism. Alas, this is not quite true, and it’s only fair that I commemorate this day with my thoughts about my conversion, and why it’s difficult to disconnect myself from it altogether.

The People

I spent a few hours today scanning pictures into my computer. Many of these pictures were from my years as a Mormon missionary, but a handful were of friends who have sent me wedding announcements, family portraits, and pictures from other significant events. I think of these people often, and often the emotion behind these thoughts is mixed. I love these people, but they are inseparable from my conversion to Mormonism. While I don’t have any ill feelings towards them, my stepping away from the church that brought us closer together does seem separate us. I think a part of me finds, in a somewhat strange way, that if I completely disconnect from my conversion, I disconnect from them.

The feelings, thoughts, and dreams

Anyone who has experienced the process of converting to Mormonism will tell you that they felt that it was true, and they they believe(d) that these feelings came from God as an answer to their prayers concerning the truthfulness of The Book of Mormon, the keystone (supporting evidence) of the truthfulness of the Mormon Church. I’m no different. I felt the feelings, assembled the thoughts to support the feelings, and even had powerful dreams which ushered me down the path to converting to Mormonism.

Those attempting to reactivate those who have stepped away from the church often attempt to remind these lost sheep of the feelings they had when they discovered the church was true. They do this as a way to bring those feelings to the surface, in order to use them to convince these people to return to church and follow the counsel of church leaders. How can anyone argue against feelings from God? Let alone dreams!

I haven’t forgotten my experiences. I think of them often, perhaps too often. My “AHA!” moment, when I accepted Mormonism as true, really wasn’t that dramatic. It was significant, and satisfying, but fairly anti-climatic. The experience was the culmination of about two years of study, and a long time of spiritual difficulty over not being sure if Mormonism was true. The peace I felt came from having finally made some sort of conclusion, and the anxiousness was the result of considering what this conclusion might lead to (baptism, missionary service, etc.).

The dreams are more difficult to explain. There are two dreams I had, one minor and one major, that I often used to reinforce my faith as needed when I was a struggling Mormon. These dreams, the major one in particular, seemed to shine through my study and thoughts as the evidence against Mormonism seemed to mount. They were more powerful than my sophomoric conclusions from my studies of world and religious history. How can one explain away dreams, especially like the ones I had? To this day, I can’t. I can’t explain them away. I can only blame their occurrence on an overloaded subconscious. Still, these dreams often haunt me.

So it is written, and this saith me

I was very vocal and wordy about my conversion to Mormonism. I guess I’m vocal and wordy about anything. This of course has it’s downside when after so many words, you decide your words are wrong. It’s a difficult transition to go from believing Mormonism to be true without a shadow of doubt (yeah, I said that…many times) to then saying that Mormonism is no more true than any other church or religion in the world. It pains me to read now what I wrote when I believed. I have to admit that church leaders are smart of encourage members to keep a journal and to write down spiritual experiences and testimonies. Going back and reading them as a non-believer is quite the trip.

Part of me wants it to be true

Finally, an admission. I used to say, as a way of framing why people would submit themselves to their church so readily, that I wished the church wasn’t true so that I wouldn’t feel the need to sacrifice two years to serve a mission, or give up coffee, or give up doing whatever else I wanted to do that the church discouraged. My point was that I knew the church was true, and that the sacrifice was small compared to this knowledge and the blessings gained from it. Of course, with time I couldn’t say that anymore. The church wasn’t worth the sacrifice.

Now, being on the other side of the fence, having stepped away from the church, I acknowledge that a part of me wants for the church to be true. It would be nice to have beliefs that were definite, and be involved in organized religion again. It would be nice to not have to struggle with objectively piecing together who I believe Jesus was, or is. It would be wonderful to just latch on to the plan that Mormonism has for me, and deny any ideas contrary. It would be nice to not have to consider the grays in life, and be able to test the value of anything based on the foundation of beliefs handed to me by an organization led by God.

Why I don’t renew the covenant

I don’t believe The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to be led by God. I think some individual members, seeking to live according to the teachings of Christ, are wonderful people who do amazing things. I also know that there are many outside of Mormonism who live equally as blessed lives, even as non-Christians. Somewhere in Mormonism, the formula is right; but the theory as a whole is flawed. It’s too restrictive, too conservatively insecure to accept the realities of the world.

Mormonism does not have a monopoly on the spirituality it claims as the confirmation of its validity. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints seeks claim to that which it does not own: the power of God.

A post over at postmormon.org gave me an idea…

In an effort to boost Google ranking of postmormon.org, I’m asking all interested (and I know you’re out there and reading this), to link to the site on your own blogs and sites using terms such as Mormon, Mormonism, Latter-day Saints, etc. The more blogs and sites we can get to do this, the better. On my blog, I’m using the aLinks Wordpress plug-in to automatically link these words to postmormon.org. I’m sure I’ll find other uses for the plug-in as well.

Thanks for your support!